Maybe

Morning temperature at 7:00 am is 59 degrees, the skies are still full of clouds.  It feels like Fall with the chilly, wet air.  Outside my window, the Chinese Tallow tree is changing colors, from green to a pretty red/gold...the only trees in my yard that give any type of Fall color.  It won't be long before this little tree has dropped its leaves and stands bare.  The only other real color in the yard are the yellowing leaves of the wild grapevines, everything else remains green or brown.  The oaks seem to just go brown as a few drop their leaves sporadically.

With the time change this past weekend, the chickens are in bed now just past 5:30 pm...by 6 pm we are enveloped in total darkness.  By the time hubby leaves for work at 7 am, the sky is already light and the sun is beginning to rise...the chickens are ready to be let out of the coops.  Depending on the temperature, I have been leaving them inside until we hit at least 60 degrees, or until the sun is fairly high in the sky...usually have them out by 9 am.  For now, Ms Red is molting and looking very 'picked' as her new feathers fill in.  Barney has filled back in nicely and is a sharp looking rooster with his black body and white accents.  Ms Piggy looks the same as always, just a plump hen with her pretty black/grey barred feathers.  She still isn't laying and has now passed the one year mark.  The new girls, Patty and Penny, continue to lay regular.  I'm really happy with these two as they lay jumbo size eggs, each weighing between 2.5 ounces to 3+ ounces.  They are very nice brown eggs.  I wish Ms Piggy would lay, as hers should be around the same size and color.

The dogs are enjoying the cooler weather, except for us having to close the door in the evening when it gets chilly.  With the shorter days they aren't getting to run and romp as much with 'dad' right now.  By the time he comes in at night, it has been dark already.  They do at least get to run and romp for shorter periods during the day since I'm home during the day now.  Guess that's one advantage to my not working.

Work...a bit of a sore subject with me at the moment.  Hubby came in a week or so ago and said something about his work slowing down again soon and that I should go get a job as he doesn't think he will be able to find another one.  Say what??  This isn't setting well at the moment.  He seems to act as if he wants me to work outside the house, but the second I have a job and have to work weird shifts, then he wants to act like he's being neglected.  It's quite fine with him if I've worked an eight hour shift, but then when I come in, even after he's already been home for a bit, I should be ready to fix HIM food and do whatever needs doing around here.  My job has never meant anything to him except that HE isn't able to do things because I have to work.  I can't win on that one.  The minute I start working again he will decide it is no longer a priority to put money in the bank...afterall, I will be making money, so he should be able to do with his what he wants.  Can I just scream now?  Some days, I really just don't feel the need to be married to anyone.  I used to think we were working together for our future.  Now I feel like what's the use...

Sounds like depression is creeping back in to cover my world once more with it's thick, dark blanket.  What has happened to the happy, carefree person I used to be?  There once was a time when I could laugh and enjoy life in spite of what was happening around me.  Now I seem to be miserable and depressed the majority of the time.  Is it an age thing, or is it just circumstance?  Maybe someday I'll find the answers...maybe someday I'll be able to see 'the brighter side of life' once more....maybe

Deja Vue...

I've been sitting here most of the morning reading through my old journal entries on Garden Buddies. They have all been copied, including the comments and I have them on my computer now.  Figured  I didn't want to lose them in case anything ever happened on that site...there were some minor issues earlier this year.

Today's weather has been cool, very overcast with temps hanging in the mid 60's.  It truly looks like a dreary fall day through my windows.  The front door is open, the dogs are all passed out enjoying the cooler weather.  You can 'smell' the moisture in the cool air.

Hubby came in for lunch as I was reading my old journal entries.  Didn't think I'd see him home today, but he has now finished off the last of the chili I made late last week.  We had it a couple of days in a row and then I had frozen some.  I thawed it out last night for supper....there was only one bowl left last night when we were done.  Was thinking about making Spaghetti sauce with hopes of leftovers for making the Parmesean Chicken again.  Sis used my recipe the other day, only she did leg quarters instead of the breasts and she put it all in the crockpot.  I asked how it came out and she had to laugh...seems she didn't get one bite.  Her hubby had hogged both leg quarters and all the sauce.  She ended up fixing herself something different.  She did say it will be a meal she makes again since her hubby scarfed it...obviously he liked it.  Her hubby is the one who normally does the 'real' cooking.  Sis will be the first one to tell you she isn't a cook...but she tries.

After I finished reading my old journal entries, I got to thinking about how to upload it all to this blog....I'm still working on it.  There are a great number of pictures in those posts and I'm hoping to at least get it figured out so my entire journal can be in one spot.  It will of course, remain on Garden Buddies, but it will also be a part of this one....if I can get it figured out.

I did note while I was reading that we seem to have had a fairly mild summer, as Florida summers go.  The heat just bothers me more than it ever has in the past...again, it must be the dreaded age thing.  Wasn't all that long ago that we were having the same type weather we are experiencing now...difference being, I was turning the heat off, and the A/C on.  Just a few short months ago I was writing about being anxious for the warmer weather....HAH!!  and ever since it got here, all I did was whine.  Crazy....that's what I am.

My morning didn't start off all that great, again I rolled out of bed, growling like a grizzly bear.  First the whine of Mojo greeting 'daddy', then hubby leaving the space heater on...after he's out of the bathroom, and my final growl as I began making coffee...my husband's refusal to walk his trash to the trashcan...leaving it instead on the countertop...I snatched the offending papertowels and paperplate off the counter after making my coffee, and tossed them in the trash as I walked out the backdoor to open the chicken coops.  Hubby never made a peep.  So, one can imagine my shock when he pulled down the drive at lunchtime! 

By the time he came in for lunch, my mood had mellowed somewhat...now to get my butt to the polls and vote!

Cold and Achy makes for foul mood

Another very chill morning here in Central Florida...at 7 am, the temperature is 45 degrees according to my porch thermometer. The heat is on at the moment, even though I have it set below 65 on the thermostat. DJ over at Heirloom Gardens made an interesting remark about us getting the Arctic air before them. While watching the weather last night I think I know why...the high that was pushing across us was bringing the winds from the WNW as it sucked that cold air down from Canada...by the end of today, we are supposed to be having winds out of the NE, and our temperatures are supposed to be warming. At 7:15 am we are just beginning to see the sun throw light in the eastern sky. The past few mornings it has been dark at this time.

Yesterday was one of those days I could have spent in bed. I couldn't get warm enough and I felt as if I was feverish...my eyes felt on fire. My entire body was just aching like a bad toothache. Guess it must have to do with the weather and being outside after dark. Even my head was throbbing. I spent the day wrapped up in my thick blanket robe and my afghan, dozing in my chair. When hubby came in last night, he was experiencing the headache and went to bed early. I truly hope it's the weather creating this. We have recently visited friends, but no one there appeared sick. My body is feeling a bit better this morning and hubby says he's feeling ok this morning.

We've been trying to eat earlier for some time now...some nights we were just getting to eat by 9:30 pm. I know that's one of the things that has created the weight issues for me. But, hubby was whining about eating so late and it doesn't matter to me what time we eat, so I was trying to have supper ready before 7 pm. Last night when he came in I was aching to the point that I knew I needed to take the Advils for relief. So I mentioned what I had in mind for supper, the leftover bean soup, and he was agreeable for that. I got the soup heated and the leftover cornbread also. It was just past 5 pm when I began dishing out the soup...got both our bowls ready and called him to come fix his cornbread. He ignored me all three times. So I got my tray and when I walked past him, he gave me an odd look. I told him I had called him three times already to come get his and his response...."I'm not ready to eat yet". GRRRRR....and THIS is precisely why I stopped having meals ready before dark.....yet he's the one whining about eating late...I can't win. It really didn't matter to me at that point, I have to eat before I can take the Advils and so I ate. He didn't go warm his back up until almost 8 pm. I may just have to go on strike in the kitchen...if I'm going to take the time to make food, then you best be ready to eat, otherwise, plan on eating out. I'll just stop going to the grocery and we can just blow the paycheck eating out every night. That way, he can eat when HE's ready. This just irritates my eyes out...especially since he was aware that I wasn't feeling well and haven't been for the past couple of days. Yeah, the more I think about this, the more I think the two of us need to get this hashed out...if he's going to be this way, then he can just fend for his self all the way. I'll eat when I'm ready and he can wait until midnight if he chooses. Just pisses me off because he knows that I wait for him before I eat....it's been that way since we got together. I would feed the kids before he got home but I would wait to eat with him. We've had several arguments because he would eat wherever he was at, knowing that I would have supper ready and was waiting to eat with him. Another reason I stopped cooking until he came in. It's crap like this that makes me not want to even bother with a relationship.
Hell, if I have to do EVERYTHING by myself, what do I need him or anyone else around for? I think I need to put myself back to bed...I'm just too foul this morning...

Friday and Saturday...and the comfort of a hug

Friday morning hubby didn't have work...seems he's been given another day off this week. They've had a couple different jobs for this week, but now it seems there is a permit issue....and again our finances take a hit.

The day was pretty fair, we got more rain but the temperature stayed pretty nice. The weather said we got a total of 3 inches Thursday night...makes about five inches for the week. Plus the rain Friday. One of our water coolers was left sitting on the back porch open. It holds five gallons...after today's rains (Saturday) it is showing water to the two gallon mark. I'm willing to bet its about seven inches. Our yard looks like it did during the hurricane rains...we are flooded front and back. The swamp has returned with just three days of rain. I won't be making an offer to buy this place....hopefully we'll be able to get to the mountain as planned.

Saturday has been nice...we had cool temperatures and sunny skies most of the day. It waited until afternoon to rain and then was sunny once more. Hubby spent the day working on the van replacing the exhaust system...its almost ready to go back together and be welded and put back under. The rain delayed things for a bit and the welding will have to wait for a dryer day, tomorrow we're hoping.

Finally got to drive my little Dakota for the first time in weeks...I miss my truck. Went to the feed store down the road to pick up feed for the chickens and a bale of hay. I need to get the nest boxes and the coop cleaned out and refreshed for the cooler weather....if it ever gets here. I also plan to use the hay out in the garden area after I till it all under and move Penny and Patty. Good thing hubby put the hay in the shed...it could be a bit getting the tilling done with the rain hitting like it has. As it was, the hay almost ended up getting wet...the rains began shortly after I returned home...I had just got the feed in the can when it started to sprinkle. Hubby ran the hay bale to the shed for me before he came inside. It sure made the driveway a muddy mess where he was trying to work.

Hmmm, was thinking about the hay...I think I'll use my old hay that got wet out in the garden and keep the good hay for the hens... don't know where my brain is lately. Using the old damp hay in the garden was my plan to begin with, that's the reason I went to get a new bale...DUH!!

This morning was one of pain...I woke up with my back catching between the shoulders...old car accident thirty years ago...its been acting up since we moved the couch from hell last week. I re-injured it a couple years ago when I tumbled down our old back steps...call me klutz! Tripped over my own feet on that one, went sprawling down the steps onto the dirt....dressed for work, skirt, blazer, hose, heels. Was not one of my better moments! The left shoulder caught the most of it as I tried to protect my face...always leading with my face...hahaha. Was ok, but very embarrassed and also very lucky...I was behind our deck, no neighbors home at that time of day, and my cell phone...that was in the house. I discovered that as I was trying to decide if I could move...patted my pocket and to my dismay, the phone wasn't in it. Fortunately, I was able to just dust myself off and go on to work....after retrieving my cell. The shoulder was stove up a bit, but hey, I've had worse...I could move it ok and it didn't act like it was injured too badly. Took a couple of months but it worked itself out. Hasn't really bothered me much since....but the area between my shoulders, those vertebrae were injured during the wreck and it seems they are pinching a different nerve now...used to be kinda numb in that area...not since the steps.

My emotions were a bit weird today as well...woke up just bawling over nothing...I noticed the roof appears to be leaking over our bedroom area as well and that set me off. Hubby was very supportive this morning and attempted to show his concern by coming to give me a hug. Sometimes, that's really what I need...the comfort of a hug.

First day of Fall

Our first Fall morning...overnight temperatures hovered around 75 degrees, a bit humid...more damp than anything. We are forecast to have a high today around 88 degrees with a heat index of about 94 degrees....UGH! Looks like I'll be turning the A/C back on later today.

I've started another blog for my rantings when I'm depressed.... it is called Stormy's Lunatic Fringe http://stormyslunaticfringe.blogger.com/. Figure this way I won't be cluttering up my journal with the rantings of a crazy person. I've also posted a link under Stormdancer's Bits and Pieces...this way, it doesn't have to depress anyone who may read this journal....and I can go ahead and let the insanity that runs rampant in my head have a place of its own.

The morning started off pretty much the same as yesterday evening ended...I'm still upset and so is he. We did manage to get a few things out in the open last night, but, he is still in denial over him having any faults in this marriage. As far as he's concerned, he's perfect and has no reason to assume any responsibility for any of the issues in our relationship. According to him, it is only ME with the problem. Whatever. I keep trying to get him to understand that marriage is about compromise....you don't have to agree with me, just acknowledge my feelings and opinions for what they are...MY feelings and opinions. He's the only one permitted to have an opinion or feelings in HIS mind.

With Fall now here and cooler weather...ok, less humid, less sticky weather...I'm hoping to find the energy to get some things accomplished around here.....If the body will allow it and the mind doesn't wander off into the depression zone for good. I think I am about to just give up trying to have any manner of garden. Since I can't seem to find enough energy to deal with any of it, it hardly seems worth the effort. The front flowerbeds are again overgrown with everything, EXCEPT what I planted. The rain and standing water for so long took it's toll on all the plants, even the ones in planters and pots. If it isn't the rain, its something chewing everything back to nothing. I'm depressed over life itself right now, I don't need to be dragged down further by watching my plants wither and shrivel to nothing, or watch whatever is gnawing on them totally destroy them.

Something has gnawed my Basil to bare stalks...not that it was looking all that great after the deluge of rain anyway, but it is now bare stalks sticking out of the pot. Its the same with the Hibiscus I started in a pot in that same bed...something has begun chewing on it as well. The Cannas are depressing to look at with all the damage from the leaf rollers...and the Lavender....looks like it has totally given up....nothing but dried stalks sticking up out of the ground. The Stevia has gone to seed and is looking as if it has given up as well. Even the Cantaloupes that self started are looking scraggly and as if they are trying to dry up and die.

Hmmm, looks like everything I touch anymore is dying...

Fall....and falling

Happy Autumn Equinox!! Tomorrow will be the first day of Fall officially....its beginning to feel that way too. Our overnight low was around 73 degrees and in North Florida, they were expecting to be in the upper 60's...around 68 degrees. Had a little bit of rain overnight, but nothing much in the way of accumulation. We still have humidity, but the heat and steam are no longer present....just dampness.

Hubby has left for the morning to go to the U-Pull-it place with his buddy...yep, can hop up bright and early to go run with someone else, but will hang in bed or in front of the tube all day otherwise. Yet another thing he just has to do. Guess I'm not smart enough for him to hang with and do things for, let alone talk to.

I did tell him yesterday not to worry about fixing the van to go to the mountain. I've decided I will not be going to the mountain again with him. Figure I'll see about contacting a realtor Monday and put it on the market. This 'Little Slice of Heaven' has become a living hell...why should I think the mountain will be any different? Its not like he's made any type of real effort towards our being able to go or move there. Guess he figures I'm just stupid enough to believe every thing that comes out of his face.

What am I...?

The morning was somewat overcast, but the day was otherwise beautiful.  Fall is definitely on the way to Central Florida.  Early morning temperature was around 74 degrees and the day ended with temps in the mid 80's....hooray!!!  We have dropped well below 90 for a change.

Things between my husband and I are not good.  Since he came home and got bent because I didn't put water in the van before driving it, I've been a bit pissed.  As I told him, all he had to do is say 'put water in the van before you go anywhere'...I don't pop the hood and check anything before I hit the key.  HE was the one with the hood open, so he knew it needed water.  We have had this discussion before.  His thing...drive it til it breaks...after I tell him something is wrong.  My thing...if I have to drive junk, then you need to make sure its runable...

After telling him Friday evening to 'take your pissy mood back to where you got it'..when he came home and went off, we haven't said much to each other.  HE doesn't want to address any issues ever, just ignore it and it will go away.  We all know that doesn't work.  I finally lost it on him after having two different buddies stop in and him having absolutely no problem carrying a conversation with them.  What am I...too STUPID for you to talk to?

I've had a knot in my chest, burning in my gut and a headache because of the way he makes me feel...this has lasted for two days now.  It really depresses me to know that my husband can carry a conversation with everyone but me.  It hasn't always been that way, we used to talk about everything.  I think the burning in my gut is being aggravated by the amount of smoking I've done the past two days also...figures, I say I want to try and quit and he triggers an episode.  I can't eat, can't sleep and am only becoming more and more depressed over the situation with him.  He doesn't seem to want a wife, just a tv set and someone to read and cook for him.  He reads, he just doesn't like to....which means, no matter what I'm doing, he expects me to stop and come read the tv menu....that's ONSCREEN in front of his face.  Guess I must be pretty STUPID indeed...I've been trying to be a loving wife to him for the last seventeen years...Stupid...yep, that's me.

Nothing lasts forever...part 1

Its been seventeen years since my husband and I met. From our very first phone conversation, we seemed to have a deep bond. There was just something about him that drew me to him. Funny part was, I really had no desire to begin a relationship when I met him, I was just barely at the end of my second marriage. By the time we met, I was disenchanted with the idea of love and marriage totally.

I met my first husband while I was a junior in high school. He was an older guy, 22 at the time. We dated until I graduated and then I moved to NC to be with my grandfather who was dying of cancer. During the time I was there, we continued to talk and he moved to GA where his mother lived. We had planned to get married after I got out of school, but then I felt I needed to be with my grandfather. After spending the summer with my grandfather, he asked me to come to GA so we could get married….I went because I was in love.

Almost three years later, my son was born. My first marriage was full of ups and downs, but I managed to hang in for twelve years before I decided I just couldn’t stand being with him any longer. All we did was argue and I didn’t feel that was fair to me or my son. The emotional abuse this man was capable of almost caused me to have a breakdown. As it was, I developed an ulcer and was diagnosed with stress related depression which caused severe headaches, and a feeling of being drugged. All I wanted to do was sleep.

When I left, he was making threats against my life and my son’s. I take threats serious and decided anything that might happen; well he would have to find us first.

My second husband was an abusive alcoholic who decided he needed to traipse across country with the mother of his daughter, instead of finding a job. Stress contributed to heat exhaustion early that summer and I ended up having to leave my job at a paint factory. He was picking up odd jobs that he could reach by walking or catching a ride. He never wanted a driver’s license because he figured as much as he liked to drink he wouldn’t have it long. Such a waste as this guy was really a nice person, until he decided to drink. We went through counseling, AA and I started attending Al-Anon so I could get my own head straight. In the end, he just couldn’t deal with life without drinking or drugs. He died of an overdose just before his 40th birthday a couple of years ago. I’m glad I decided to let go when I did. Sad, we were such good friends, we met at work, and we had many great times together. He was a physically abusive person and I carried black eyes and split lips on a few occasions. If I learned nothing else, I learned to throw a punch and defend myself. I promised him before we separated that if he ever hit me again, I would do my level damnedest to kill him…it was a promise I intended to keep. After having my first husband make death threats, and this one thought I should be his punching bag, I had had enough. I watched my old man beat my mom and made the decision as a young girl that I would never put up with that kind of treatment.

When he left, with the excuse that he was going to go visit his sister, I was ready for things to end. I told him when he left, ‘if I find out you are with A its over…don’t bother to come back’. In the end, his own sister is the one who told me where he was…with A, instead of where he said he was going. The next time he and I spoke, I told him I was filing for divorce. He was begging to come home, saying things would change. I was done.

About a month after we separated, I decided I was ready to begin dating again. Wasn’t wanting anything other than companionship…just a guy I could hang out with, someone to talk to and be with. A friend introduced the two of us and we’ve been together since our first date.

We talked for hours our first phone conversation. I couldn’t wait to meet him and we decided to go out. From the minute we met, it seemed as if the chemistry was there. I remember telling another friend that ‘I think I’m in lust’…couldn’t begin to think about love, so I figured it was lust….I kept telling myself this for months. The first night he told me he loved me I was on a cloud. This was more than I had hoped for, but I felt in my heart that it was right and I already knew I was in love with him.