The Window Wars Begin

Had to laugh last night when hubby came inside for the evening...the temperature was still above 70 degrees, but the humidity was way below 50%....he came inside stating that 'it feels like it's going to get colder than last night'...HA!! This from the man who never wears a jacket unless the temperature is in the 30's and 40's.
I still had the windows open and the house was just above 75 degrees. Felt really nice to me.

Our overnight low was around 58 degrees...when I finally dragged out of bed at 8:30 am, the house was a chilly 60 degrees and the outside temp had already hit 70 degrees. When I happened to be in our bathroom, I noticed the space heater had been plugged in....hmmm, he must have really been cold this morning when he got up. That thing hasn't been on or even plugged in since Feb or March. Sure is a change from our 'normal' routine...usually I'M the frozen popsicle that's trying to thaw. I have to laugh because for years we've been having the 'window wars' this time of year. I want them closed, he wants them open even after I've turned the heat on! He's really in for a big surprise this year as I am enjoying the cooler temperatures and have no intent of kicking the heat on anytime soon.

Looking back, I remember when I lived in Indiana and the temperatures would finally hit in the 60's in the Spring...I'd be stripping off clothes, digging out the shorts and summer wear. Of course that was normally after spending the winter months in layer after layer of clothes during the sub-zero temps. Even in the Fall, mom never bothered to turn the heat on until the temps started dropping below fifty degrees...we were ready for the cooler, lower humidity after the scorching summers with no A/C. I even recall in High School during Christmas break and Spring break when people would head down to Florida and return laughing because 'those silly people were running around in heavy winter coats' during 60 plus degree weather.

Having lived down here for over twenty years, I am way more understanding of this type of behaviour now. After all, we spend over nine months in above 80 degree heat with some pretty high humidity. Some years, we begin this 'heat wave' as early as February and it hangs on through November.

At this time in my life, I am welcoming the cooler temperatures this year. The heat and humidity is beginning to 'get very old'....of course, I ain't no spring chicken anymore myself either, and that's just one more reason to welcome the cooler temps. LOL

Dropping....leaves, temperatures, humidity and relationships

Another Beautiful Fall morning!!  The temperature before the sun rose was right at 70 degrees, the air is cool and fresh.  At 1:30 pm, the temperature has risen to about 83 degrees with a nice cool breeze.  Our skies are a clear blue with plenty of sunshine.  The humidity has left for now and even the soggy yard isn't making the steam like it normally would.  YAY!!  Fall is finally arriving!!

We are forecast for a cold front to move into the state later today...should drop our temperatures a bit lower...the remainder of the week is forecast for overnight lows in the mid to upper 60's with daytime highs in the low 80's...okay, so its still warm here, But HEY...this IS Florida afterall.  The drop in the humidity is the biggest difference in our Fall weather.

The Chinese Tallow Tree is beginning to show gold and by the end of November will have only a few red/gold leaves before the last one finally drops.  My Crape Myrtles are dropping leaves on the southwest side of the yard and even those are showing reds and golds as they settle in for their winter rest.

In other places around the yard, the Virginia Creeper is also turning and the wild grapevine is beginning to change as well.  Most of the Oaks in our yard will keep their leaves until January...right now, they are full of acorns, which the squirrels seem to enjoy bouncing off the vehicles.  My truck bed has accumulated a number of half eaten acorns the past few days, compliments of the squirrels.

Our buddy with the chickens is offering me four new ones he just picked up over the weekend...supposed to be one of the 'blue' breeds...hubby couldn't recall the name other than the 'blue'.  I'll be going over later this afternoon to check them out before I decide.  Would be cool to have one that lays the 'blue' eggs... is that Andalusian?  I've been on the chicken sites to see what some of the blue breeds look like and to learn more about them...too much information to recall exactly what I've read about which breeds...DUH...I'm so confused!!!  LOL.  Seems there has been a change in his relationship with his girlfriend, who is the reason the chickens were purchased to begin with.  The buddy doesn't have the time to take care of the animals with his work schedule, the girlfriend was the one who wanted the 'farm', but now she's not going to be around...the relationship has ended....as of yesterday.  So sucks to be young and not know what you have while it is still within your grasp...she's still sowing her 'wild oats' and he's in the settle down frame of mind.  Ahhh, to be their ages once more and know the things I've learned through my own life...how different things might have been....eh, probably not.  Some of us are just destined to keep repeating the same ways and mistakes forever...just too blamed hardheaded to realize what we're doing for the most part....LOL.

Spent some time on the phone this morning visiting with my sister and also on a separate call, visiting with another friend.  See, I can visit and save fuel...hahaha....just tie that phone line to the side of my head please.
Reminds me of when my son was little.  Things were tight financially, my sister lived about an hour away and we only had one car.  She and I have spent the entire day...almost eight hours...on the phone...long distance charges applied at that time.  OMG!!!  The phone bills were sooo outrageous at times.  My ex once told me I could have driven down and spent the entire day for what that ONE phone call cost...  My response...yeah, maybe I could have, IF the car would run on empty and IF the car would make it that far.  He stopped griping about the bill.  I was at home all day doing other stuff while I was on the phone with Sis....no portable phone at that time, but I did have 150 feet of phone cord!!!  Could drag that phone all over our apartment and even outside if I wanted!!  Ah, those were the days....

The second day of Fall....

As we begin our second day of Fall, the morning is overcast and a cool 79 degrees at 7 am...the humidity is at 73 % this morning, but it is not stuffy.  Just one of the differences as we change seasons.  We are forecast for rain today from a front sitting off our coast.  Seems there's another depression forming out around Puerto Rico that the weathercasters are watching...and another spot out in the Gulf.   Hurricane season doesn't end until November 30.  We are beginning to move into our 'dry season'.

Things on the homefront continue to be a bit tense.  I've made an attempt to try and 'make up', but he still wants to shut me out.  He just can't seem to see just how destructive this type of behavior is to the relationship. 

I've been giving quite a bit of thought as to how to cope with my feelings.  These feelings I can only compare to the loss of someone very close and special.  It is like I have had my very best friend die.  Similar to the feelings of loss that I experienced when my Mother and Sister both passed.  Extreme sadness, almost to the point of becoming incapacitated by the sorrow of losing them.  At least with my Mother and Sister, who both died of cancer, I felt they were in a better place and knew they were not suffering any longer.  It was the loss of their presence in my life that made me so sad.  This ache in my heart for my husband could only be greater if he were to die.  We had that close of a bond.

As I sit here and write this morning, the sun has decided to break through the cloud cover, filling the back pasture with golden light as it bounces from tree to tree, casting shadows across the ground and bright spots on the greenery above.  This sight once gave me solace and peace...a bit of joy as I embraced the beginning of each new day.  The sight reminds me so much of the mountain that all I can do today is cry....I just want to go home...home to the mountain and away from the pain in my soul.  I wish I had never come to Florida...I wish I had never allowed myself to fall in love with this man...I wish things were different...

First day of Fall

Our first Fall morning...overnight temperatures hovered around 75 degrees, a bit humid...more damp than anything. We are forecast to have a high today around 88 degrees with a heat index of about 94 degrees....UGH! Looks like I'll be turning the A/C back on later today.

I've started another blog for my rantings when I'm depressed.... it is called Stormy's Lunatic Fringe http://stormyslunaticfringe.blogger.com/. Figure this way I won't be cluttering up my journal with the rantings of a crazy person. I've also posted a link under Stormdancer's Bits and Pieces...this way, it doesn't have to depress anyone who may read this journal....and I can go ahead and let the insanity that runs rampant in my head have a place of its own.

The morning started off pretty much the same as yesterday evening ended...I'm still upset and so is he. We did manage to get a few things out in the open last night, but, he is still in denial over him having any faults in this marriage. As far as he's concerned, he's perfect and has no reason to assume any responsibility for any of the issues in our relationship. According to him, it is only ME with the problem. Whatever. I keep trying to get him to understand that marriage is about compromise....you don't have to agree with me, just acknowledge my feelings and opinions for what they are...MY feelings and opinions. He's the only one permitted to have an opinion or feelings in HIS mind.

With Fall now here and cooler weather...ok, less humid, less sticky weather...I'm hoping to find the energy to get some things accomplished around here.....If the body will allow it and the mind doesn't wander off into the depression zone for good. I think I am about to just give up trying to have any manner of garden. Since I can't seem to find enough energy to deal with any of it, it hardly seems worth the effort. The front flowerbeds are again overgrown with everything, EXCEPT what I planted. The rain and standing water for so long took it's toll on all the plants, even the ones in planters and pots. If it isn't the rain, its something chewing everything back to nothing. I'm depressed over life itself right now, I don't need to be dragged down further by watching my plants wither and shrivel to nothing, or watch whatever is gnawing on them totally destroy them.

Something has gnawed my Basil to bare stalks...not that it was looking all that great after the deluge of rain anyway, but it is now bare stalks sticking out of the pot. Its the same with the Hibiscus I started in a pot in that same bed...something has begun chewing on it as well. The Cannas are depressing to look at with all the damage from the leaf rollers...and the Lavender....looks like it has totally given up....nothing but dried stalks sticking up out of the ground. The Stevia has gone to seed and is looking as if it has given up as well. Even the Cantaloupes that self started are looking scraggly and as if they are trying to dry up and die.

Hmmm, looks like everything I touch anymore is dying...

What am I...?

The morning was somewat overcast, but the day was otherwise beautiful.  Fall is definitely on the way to Central Florida.  Early morning temperature was around 74 degrees and the day ended with temps in the mid 80's....hooray!!!  We have dropped well below 90 for a change.

Things between my husband and I are not good.  Since he came home and got bent because I didn't put water in the van before driving it, I've been a bit pissed.  As I told him, all he had to do is say 'put water in the van before you go anywhere'...I don't pop the hood and check anything before I hit the key.  HE was the one with the hood open, so he knew it needed water.  We have had this discussion before.  His thing...drive it til it breaks...after I tell him something is wrong.  My thing...if I have to drive junk, then you need to make sure its runable...

After telling him Friday evening to 'take your pissy mood back to where you got it'..when he came home and went off, we haven't said much to each other.  HE doesn't want to address any issues ever, just ignore it and it will go away.  We all know that doesn't work.  I finally lost it on him after having two different buddies stop in and him having absolutely no problem carrying a conversation with them.  What am I...too STUPID for you to talk to?

I've had a knot in my chest, burning in my gut and a headache because of the way he makes me feel...this has lasted for two days now.  It really depresses me to know that my husband can carry a conversation with everyone but me.  It hasn't always been that way, we used to talk about everything.  I think the burning in my gut is being aggravated by the amount of smoking I've done the past two days also...figures, I say I want to try and quit and he triggers an episode.  I can't eat, can't sleep and am only becoming more and more depressed over the situation with him.  He doesn't seem to want a wife, just a tv set and someone to read and cook for him.  He reads, he just doesn't like to....which means, no matter what I'm doing, he expects me to stop and come read the tv menu....that's ONSCREEN in front of his face.  Guess I must be pretty STUPID indeed...I've been trying to be a loving wife to him for the last seventeen years...Stupid...yep, that's me.

Is it any wonder I'm stressed?

Fall seems to be in our air...its just a very subtle change here in Central Florida...the heat and steam leave the air and we are finally out of the 90's as our daily high. The daytime highs run in the mid to upper 80's...today we are forecast for a high of about 85.

At 7 am the temp was a cool 75 degrees. I'm also noticing that it has begun to get dark around here a bit earlier this week...it has been after 8 pm before we lose the last bit of daylight...last night I noticed it was dark before 8 pm...the chickens have been going to roost around 7:30 pm the last couple of nights. No real changes in the foliage around this area...now and then I might spot Virginia Creeper beginning to show red but that's about it.

The coolness in the air is making me think more and more about being on the mountain. SIGH...with the way things are going around here though, it doesn't appear we will be able to afford the trip I was wanting to make in October. Hubby came in late yesterday from work and in a very snarly mood. When I asked about his day...what a mistake that was!...he said it started badly from the moment he left the driveway.... GREAT!!! Seems his truck is having more issues with the starter...again...I guess it locked up as he was going down the road. He had to get push started when he left the shop and of course I had called him to have him stop and pick up ice on the way home...he had to leave the truck running while he ran in to the little store. By the time he got home, he was in a pretty foul temper. He went out to see if he could correct the issue on his truck, only to come back inside still foul...seems he found the problem and doesn't have the part on hand to fix it. No biggy, I said he could just drive my truck instead and I'll use the van. Then he tells me he wants me to call the parts place this morning for a part on the van....I had forgotten about it dripping water the last time I drove it...seems a heater control valve is needing replaced...still don't understand why its leaking on the side of the radiator if its just a bad valve, but hey, he's the mechanic! Looked to me as if the radiator had popped a pinhole and was streaming it down the side...but again, I'm just the wife....HE'S the MECHANIC. Pfftt...wouldn't be the first time he's been wrong. That truly annoys me with him.

Its not like I'm ignorant about engines...been messing around under the hood since I was a teen. Took auto shop my senior year in high school and really wanted to go into mechanic classes at that time. Still helping him work on engines even now...just not as frequent. Got tired of trouble shooting a problem and having him disagree, only to end up having it be what I said was wrong in the first place! He knows it all as he's been doing this all his life...and no woman knows near what he knows! Kiss my grits bud! He's finally stopped telling me to just 'drive it til it breaks'...ok, I can do that! I finally have given up telling him he needs to look at my vehicle when something is going wrong...now I just tell him when it breaks, I'll trade it for a NEW one and he can pay for it. THAT has his attention!

Men! They can be so aggravating when they choose... Like last night after he came in for the evening. Since we didn't get the fridge delivered until late in the day, I didn't get a chance to go to the grocery. I looked in the cabinets to see what was on hand that I could throw together for supper. In the middle of me getting things together, he remembers there was a movie that was supposed to be starting at 7 pm....it was almost 7:30 at the time....so he asks what channel it was on...like I'm supposed to remember this? Told him which channel I thought it was, he flips it to the menu guide and then gets snarly when I am not paying attention to what's on. HELLO...am I not trying to get supper started? He's sitting right there LOOKING at the tv, watching the shows scroll by and I'm at the stove...so I had to stop what I was doing and come stand in front of the tv so I could find the program for him...JEEZ, what a lazy individual. You can't look for yourself? It was on the channel I told him to begin with. I swear, if he comes home in that mood tonight I'm gonna clean his clock! And then send him to bed without supper like a little bratty kid! Is it any wonder I'm so stressed? This man acts like he can't do a thing for his self. I need a vacation....from him.

And the Heat goes on...and on...

In memory of those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001....We will never forget...

Whew, here it is just barely past 6 am and its already a muggy 80 degrees...feels like it did when we went to bed last night...I think it only dropped a couple degrees. Most of the humidity is probably being caused by the close proximity of Ike....who is still spinning and growing in the Gulf. Looks huge as it is still over 600 miles from Texas, and yet it still is pretty close to our west coast. I think they said the storm its self is over 900 miles wide....wow...That's like from here in Florida to my kid's house in Indiana....that's one bad looking storm! Texas appears to be taking no chances as they were showing evacuations taking place on the early news.

The forecast today is for more of the same, hot, muggy temperatures in the mid 90's with a heat index over 100. Sigh...looks like its going to be October before we get any change in the humidity and heat.

Hubby and I aren't exactly speaking at the moment. I allowed myself to rant and rage until I just absolutely wore myself out before he got home....by that time, I'd given myself a pounding headache and the knot in my stomach felt as if I had swallowed a cast iron basketball...the knot is still there this morning. For the time being, I'm holding my tongue and not saying any further words regarding his work...at least until the next time the pay is late in coming or he's asked to work another Saturday...figure I'll just let it sit and simmer until then. Maybe by that time, the knot will be gone...or not, payday is only one day away. Just way too wound up over this to act like an adult right now...I'm ready to throw a few punches.

I got excuses on the camper...'its sitting too far away and I can't read what it says....I'll just call the guy'...whatever. If his eyes are that bad, he has no business driving without glasses. MEN!!!

So this morning, he's sitting on the porch...with the front door open and the A/C cranking...the fan was sucking the heat from the porch directly into the bedroom where I was still sleeping. GGRRRR...so I get up and ask him what he's doing...'just sitting here'...so I kicked the thermostat higher...he comes back inside...IDIOT, can you not feel the difference in the temperature between in and out? (I had the thermostat set about 75 overnight) Its only pure STEAM on the front porch this morning. Felt like a sauna and the sun isn't even breaking the horizon yet. Makes me feel like screaming and I haven't even had coffee yet! He left for work with minimal conversation...actually, now that I think about it, no conversation...just 'I'm leaving now'....and he wonders why I don't bother to get up with him...grrrrrr, maybe because I despise being agitated and aggravated before 7 am!! Its rare anymore for me to get up before he leaves the house...this morning reminds me why.

Nothing lasts forever...part 1

Its been seventeen years since my husband and I met. From our very first phone conversation, we seemed to have a deep bond. There was just something about him that drew me to him. Funny part was, I really had no desire to begin a relationship when I met him, I was just barely at the end of my second marriage. By the time we met, I was disenchanted with the idea of love and marriage totally.

I met my first husband while I was a junior in high school. He was an older guy, 22 at the time. We dated until I graduated and then I moved to NC to be with my grandfather who was dying of cancer. During the time I was there, we continued to talk and he moved to GA where his mother lived. We had planned to get married after I got out of school, but then I felt I needed to be with my grandfather. After spending the summer with my grandfather, he asked me to come to GA so we could get married….I went because I was in love.

Almost three years later, my son was born. My first marriage was full of ups and downs, but I managed to hang in for twelve years before I decided I just couldn’t stand being with him any longer. All we did was argue and I didn’t feel that was fair to me or my son. The emotional abuse this man was capable of almost caused me to have a breakdown. As it was, I developed an ulcer and was diagnosed with stress related depression which caused severe headaches, and a feeling of being drugged. All I wanted to do was sleep.

When I left, he was making threats against my life and my son’s. I take threats serious and decided anything that might happen; well he would have to find us first.

My second husband was an abusive alcoholic who decided he needed to traipse across country with the mother of his daughter, instead of finding a job. Stress contributed to heat exhaustion early that summer and I ended up having to leave my job at a paint factory. He was picking up odd jobs that he could reach by walking or catching a ride. He never wanted a driver’s license because he figured as much as he liked to drink he wouldn’t have it long. Such a waste as this guy was really a nice person, until he decided to drink. We went through counseling, AA and I started attending Al-Anon so I could get my own head straight. In the end, he just couldn’t deal with life without drinking or drugs. He died of an overdose just before his 40th birthday a couple of years ago. I’m glad I decided to let go when I did. Sad, we were such good friends, we met at work, and we had many great times together. He was a physically abusive person and I carried black eyes and split lips on a few occasions. If I learned nothing else, I learned to throw a punch and defend myself. I promised him before we separated that if he ever hit me again, I would do my level damnedest to kill him…it was a promise I intended to keep. After having my first husband make death threats, and this one thought I should be his punching bag, I had had enough. I watched my old man beat my mom and made the decision as a young girl that I would never put up with that kind of treatment.

When he left, with the excuse that he was going to go visit his sister, I was ready for things to end. I told him when he left, ‘if I find out you are with A its over…don’t bother to come back’. In the end, his own sister is the one who told me where he was…with A, instead of where he said he was going. The next time he and I spoke, I told him I was filing for divorce. He was begging to come home, saying things would change. I was done.

About a month after we separated, I decided I was ready to begin dating again. Wasn’t wanting anything other than companionship…just a guy I could hang out with, someone to talk to and be with. A friend introduced the two of us and we’ve been together since our first date.

We talked for hours our first phone conversation. I couldn’t wait to meet him and we decided to go out. From the minute we met, it seemed as if the chemistry was there. I remember telling another friend that ‘I think I’m in lust’…couldn’t begin to think about love, so I figured it was lust….I kept telling myself this for months. The first night he told me he loved me I was on a cloud. This was more than I had hoped for, but I felt in my heart that it was right and I already knew I was in love with him.