Maybe

Morning temperature at 7:00 am is 59 degrees, the skies are still full of clouds.  It feels like Fall with the chilly, wet air.  Outside my window, the Chinese Tallow tree is changing colors, from green to a pretty red/gold...the only trees in my yard that give any type of Fall color.  It won't be long before this little tree has dropped its leaves and stands bare.  The only other real color in the yard are the yellowing leaves of the wild grapevines, everything else remains green or brown.  The oaks seem to just go brown as a few drop their leaves sporadically.

With the time change this past weekend, the chickens are in bed now just past 5:30 pm...by 6 pm we are enveloped in total darkness.  By the time hubby leaves for work at 7 am, the sky is already light and the sun is beginning to rise...the chickens are ready to be let out of the coops.  Depending on the temperature, I have been leaving them inside until we hit at least 60 degrees, or until the sun is fairly high in the sky...usually have them out by 9 am.  For now, Ms Red is molting and looking very 'picked' as her new feathers fill in.  Barney has filled back in nicely and is a sharp looking rooster with his black body and white accents.  Ms Piggy looks the same as always, just a plump hen with her pretty black/grey barred feathers.  She still isn't laying and has now passed the one year mark.  The new girls, Patty and Penny, continue to lay regular.  I'm really happy with these two as they lay jumbo size eggs, each weighing between 2.5 ounces to 3+ ounces.  They are very nice brown eggs.  I wish Ms Piggy would lay, as hers should be around the same size and color.

The dogs are enjoying the cooler weather, except for us having to close the door in the evening when it gets chilly.  With the shorter days they aren't getting to run and romp as much with 'dad' right now.  By the time he comes in at night, it has been dark already.  They do at least get to run and romp for shorter periods during the day since I'm home during the day now.  Guess that's one advantage to my not working.

Work...a bit of a sore subject with me at the moment.  Hubby came in a week or so ago and said something about his work slowing down again soon and that I should go get a job as he doesn't think he will be able to find another one.  Say what??  This isn't setting well at the moment.  He seems to act as if he wants me to work outside the house, but the second I have a job and have to work weird shifts, then he wants to act like he's being neglected.  It's quite fine with him if I've worked an eight hour shift, but then when I come in, even after he's already been home for a bit, I should be ready to fix HIM food and do whatever needs doing around here.  My job has never meant anything to him except that HE isn't able to do things because I have to work.  I can't win on that one.  The minute I start working again he will decide it is no longer a priority to put money in the bank...afterall, I will be making money, so he should be able to do with his what he wants.  Can I just scream now?  Some days, I really just don't feel the need to be married to anyone.  I used to think we were working together for our future.  Now I feel like what's the use...

Sounds like depression is creeping back in to cover my world once more with it's thick, dark blanket.  What has happened to the happy, carefree person I used to be?  There once was a time when I could laugh and enjoy life in spite of what was happening around me.  Now I seem to be miserable and depressed the majority of the time.  Is it an age thing, or is it just circumstance?  Maybe someday I'll find the answers...maybe someday I'll be able to see 'the brighter side of life' once more....maybe

Depression hits again...

Just at 1 pm, the temperature is almost 90 again...at present, the sky is partly cloudy.  Its been a day...
Hubby came home for lunch just before 11:30 am...his normal lunch time...wasn't expecting to see him as he doesn't normally come home during the day.  I truly have no clue what he was thinking!  He is aware the refrigerator is down, he went for ice last night...everything that remained in the fridge will need to be tossed as it sat in there all day yesterday, before I realised it wasn't working.  So he comes in, opens the fridge door...and asks "what can I have for lunch?"...when I tell him the stupid thing isn't working, he acts all huffy and surprised!!  HELLO!!!  Do you not live here?  Do you not recall my being very annoyed and upset last night because it wasn't working?  I ended up fixing him a bowl of noodle soup...again telling him that everything would have to be tossed...about ten pounds or so of meat...soup I had made the other night, the roast we had last night...every single item in the fridge needs tossed now.  I'm just glad I hadn't went to the store yet...all the meat was in the freezer and thawed totally by the time I discovered it.  Since close to five pounds of that is chicken, there's no way I'm taking a chance....ground beef, frozen vegetables, another roast...I'm depressed over having to toss so much food.  We didn't lose any food during power outages from the storms in 2004, and we were without electric for over a week.  The generator saved our butts then...

So now that I'm totally depressed...I've been thinking about what is actually causing the depression.  Many thoughts run rampant when I begin to analyze issues in my life.  I know I'm not happy with life in general these days.  I feel like I have to face the entire world alone...while this may not necessarily be so, its how I feel.  I honestly don't think I've ever felt more alone than I do now. 

Depression has been a part of my life for years...all the way back to childhood as I think back.  It was one of the reasons I began keeping journals and writing poetry.  Now, I seem to be winging through depression on a very daily basis...why?  I was talking to sis this morning and it dawned on me during the conversation, that I'm just tired of being strong and fighting to survive.  Sis reminded me that with all the crap we dealt with growing up and even in our adult lives, we've already survived most people's worst fears...abusive childhood, dysfunctional marriages, losing both parents and a sibling.  She's right, but it still doesn't make me feel like its been worth the energy.  I feel drained by the past ten years...overwhelmed by the past five.  Totally disenchanted by the past three.  What's left is an empty shell of the person I once thought I was.  I don't feel like being strong, I don't feel like being 'tough'.  I just feel empty and drained of all emotion save extreme unhappiness.  What I want most right now, is to cry until there are no tears left to shed.  I want to curl up and just forget about everything.  Why should I care...it gets me nowhere....