Depression hits again...

Just at 1 pm, the temperature is almost 90 again...at present, the sky is partly cloudy.  Its been a day...
Hubby came home for lunch just before 11:30 am...his normal lunch time...wasn't expecting to see him as he doesn't normally come home during the day.  I truly have no clue what he was thinking!  He is aware the refrigerator is down, he went for ice last night...everything that remained in the fridge will need to be tossed as it sat in there all day yesterday, before I realised it wasn't working.  So he comes in, opens the fridge door...and asks "what can I have for lunch?"...when I tell him the stupid thing isn't working, he acts all huffy and surprised!!  HELLO!!!  Do you not live here?  Do you not recall my being very annoyed and upset last night because it wasn't working?  I ended up fixing him a bowl of noodle soup...again telling him that everything would have to be tossed...about ten pounds or so of meat...soup I had made the other night, the roast we had last night...every single item in the fridge needs tossed now.  I'm just glad I hadn't went to the store yet...all the meat was in the freezer and thawed totally by the time I discovered it.  Since close to five pounds of that is chicken, there's no way I'm taking a chance....ground beef, frozen vegetables, another roast...I'm depressed over having to toss so much food.  We didn't lose any food during power outages from the storms in 2004, and we were without electric for over a week.  The generator saved our butts then...

So now that I'm totally depressed...I've been thinking about what is actually causing the depression.  Many thoughts run rampant when I begin to analyze issues in my life.  I know I'm not happy with life in general these days.  I feel like I have to face the entire world alone...while this may not necessarily be so, its how I feel.  I honestly don't think I've ever felt more alone than I do now. 

Depression has been a part of my life for years...all the way back to childhood as I think back.  It was one of the reasons I began keeping journals and writing poetry.  Now, I seem to be winging through depression on a very daily basis...why?  I was talking to sis this morning and it dawned on me during the conversation, that I'm just tired of being strong and fighting to survive.  Sis reminded me that with all the crap we dealt with growing up and even in our adult lives, we've already survived most people's worst fears...abusive childhood, dysfunctional marriages, losing both parents and a sibling.  She's right, but it still doesn't make me feel like its been worth the energy.  I feel drained by the past ten years...overwhelmed by the past five.  Totally disenchanted by the past three.  What's left is an empty shell of the person I once thought I was.  I don't feel like being strong, I don't feel like being 'tough'.  I just feel empty and drained of all emotion save extreme unhappiness.  What I want most right now, is to cry until there are no tears left to shed.  I want to curl up and just forget about everything.  Why should I care...it gets me nowhere....